Now you might think the world's black or white....

And you're dirty or you're clean,

You better watch out you don't slip,

Down them places in between.

Kind of sums up what I feel about things after this week. Maybe things were better before the internet, before people could comment about things about which they have no idea. That includes me no doubt.

So for various reasons (I'm thinking churning up a muddy lake) this week has left me feeling a bit flat. Not helped I guess by being very tired at the start of the week and my legs feeling crap. I have had a week off from work this week and of course you always imagine training like an elite when that happens. Yeah right, everything I have done has hurt, and left me wondering why I'm doing it. And anyway I had a big race on Saturday night, The Midnight man half iron distance.

This race starts at 6 in the evening, and has a quarter, half and full iron option. I never got my head round full this year but I thought yeah, I will give the half a go.

Let's be honest I never got my head round half either. You know what my bike training has been like. The thing I was most prepared for was the swim. That is saying something.

Still, normally I just plough through regardless.

The race started well for me, I felt confident and comfortable on the swim, I think my new wetsuit was a good investment and I am enjoying ow swimming. Not sure of time but I don't think it was too bad.

Out into transition for a change into socks and a cycle top over mt pirate Monaco. Then out. The bike course was 10 laps. Much of this down and back a dual carriage way, then various twists and turns on a industrial estate to make up the 9k. First lap was ok, working it out, bit rubbish at the turns but ok. Was aware of headwind on dual carriageway, didn't like that but that's the way it was. 2nd lap I'm aware of my knee starting to complain, it didn't do this til around 60 miles last week, come to the headwind bit I'm fighting the pedals round already. That does really hurt.

I tell myself it will get better. At one of the turnarounds the Marshall tells me to smile......this is not normally necessary. Spend lap 3 mulling things over. Spend lap 4 knowing that I won't be able to run off the bike. This would kill me. That's the bit I'm good at. Decide quite calmly really to give up.

And so that was that. Packed up quickly and came home, it was getting dark and cold and I wasn't in the best mood.

Now back to where I started this. It will make sense to me. I think of depression as being a big empty space. A hole inside you. You can fill it in different ways. Traditional ways include drugs and alcohol, however I find these have a risk of making you do things that makes the hole even bigger. There is food too,but I can't say that has ever done it for me. Or you can exercise. That's a good one. Gives you the good tired rather than the anxious brain flitting everywhere tired. But to make you feel really real, I find entering events (and completing them) is by far the best. Everytime you finish one you are saying 'I'm here, look, here I am, I'm solid, I won't fly into a million pieces if you touch me' you can look on the results and see yourself and prove it.

I'm not that bothered by medals and goody bags.

So when I see people saying 'oh I must be mad I've entered...(insert whatever event you like here from 5k to cartwheeling the Alps) I think to myself, really? I'd be mad if I didn't.

So that's it really. I CANT stop entering events. This means taking the risk of what happened last night happening I guess. And then wrapping myself up tight again. Because it's what I do.

What's 14 miles between friends?

So yesterday I did the Ride London 100.

I need to level with you first.

Last year I didn't train, so deferred. In 2014 I'm going to be a bike demon. Yeah, I'll never get off it, I will be so good they'll let me on the Tour de France.

Yeah right! That was bollocks.

I did do one thing though. I bought a bike. Who needs to train when you have a new bike? :-D.

So build up to the Ride 100.

37 or odd miles on a training ride in April or May.

Pru tri, 40k (prob was a bit less)

Blenheim tri- 20k

Cycle to Brentwood 10k and back about 36 miles.

Bridge tri another 40k ish

London tri 20k

I cycled about 12 miles to Hainault and back to do a hill run.

That's it. Tour de France representatives never called.

So for the last couple of weeks I've been a bit concerned. Not least because the good weather we've been having which would be ideal for training in was going to end just in time for this event. Bum!

Thought about pulling out, don't think I could defer again, and anyway I had now already paid twice for this event, so decided I should do it.

Only realised on the weds before I had to go to ExCel to register, then realised I'd lost my form, no bother though, I went on Friday morning and it was really easy. Bought a ride london cycle shirt and event t shirt to make sure I didn't back out :-D I also bought one of them clear rain jacket things, this was the best selling item of the whole expo!!! You had to fight to get near them.

Meanwhile we were getting emails from the organisers warning us about the forecast with lots of advice on precautions.

Saturday got up and did parkrun in what for me is a proper shite time. But it's all I had, need to be more on the speed work for sure. I won't worry though I've been doing lots of other stuff I can't expect it all to be good.

Saturday night I. Got all my stuff together, ate pasta and had an early night. I don't know why, I just couldn't sleep. Cat playing with a golf ball was part of it, and bringing me her squeaky mouse and jumping on it repeatedly. The other was bad dreams. Mainly about getting to the start. I had a map but if you know me you know maps stress me out! 

My alarm was set for 5.30. Wide awake at 4. Got up. Couldn't eat, my stomach was churning too much. Put 3 mini flap jacks and 2 small bags of mini cheddars in my bag. Because that's ace nutrition for a hard days riding innit!

I left about 6 and rode to Goodmayes. Waited for 20 minutes for train cos I always like to be far too early :-D got to Stratford fine, and there were other cyclists on the train too so I also got to the start fine too :)

One thing though, I had seen a tweet which was announcing that the route was to be shortened to 86 miles, removing Box Hill and Leith Hill.

I can only say I was relieved. I'm not one to shy away from a challenge, but I'm not an idiot. Cycling up the hills doesn't scare me, it's down in bad weather that does!

Anyway, after getting chilled at the start by the rain for about 30 minutes we were off, closed roads in London, an actual joy! I had been a bit apprehensive about lots of cyclists near me but it wasn't as bad as I thought. One thing I did note even half a mile from the start was how many punctures were occurring. I prayed I wouldn't get one. I can change an inner tube, but with cold wet hands in the rain I wouldn't relish the prospect.

Anyway, out past the Tower onto Chiswick on way to Richmond park. Not sure where but there was a burst water main somewhere here which meant cycling through floods. Nice.

Richmond park was my worst bit, I hated it, especially when we all had to get off our bikes and walk as the weather was at its worst for about 20 minutes. Soaked to the skin and freezing :-/ I heard it was because of an accident though I saw nothing.

Finally out of there and through lots of flooding now. On the downstroke your foot was submerged in some places. All very slow thought you needed to be quicker to avoid just falling off!

Once out into the Surrey countryside it was nicer. Couple of climbs, I think it wasNewlands corner where I wondered if I would have to walk, plenty were, but no I ground it out. I think it was Dorking where I stopped for a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea which was heaven! 

Then the way back to london, with support in the towns which was ace. I stopped somewhere to take my rain jacket off with about 20 miles to go, so of course 10 minutes later the whole sky fell on us :-D

I was definitely hurting now, quad aching, bum really sore but getting back into London was great and the encouragement up Wimbledon hill was really good. I counted down the miles from 10 to go and continued praying to the God of robust tyres because I really didn't want to stop now.

Seeing the Mall I front of me was pretty special and I grinned all the way down it thinking YES!!! I did it :)

Baggage pick up was easy, though I stopped to chat to D88s who were doing baggage on another truck. Picked up my bag and put my hoody on, then sorted through the goody bafpgwe had been given.....not all that tbh and please stop giving me coconut water. It mings!

I had my bike booked on transport back to QEOP but couldn't be bothered with that, so walked to Victoria and got on the District line which goes all the way to Barking. Then it's a 3 mile ride home. That was harder than the previous 86! If anyone saw me grimacing my way down Longbridge road, that was why.

Am I sad they cut the route? Today maybe, yesterday definitely not. Would I go back to do the full route? Yes.

I had pie for tea. Thundercat keeps biting my knees and Achilles. She's a bitch!