And she gave away the secrets of her past and said

I've lost control again.

She used to feel like that all the time. Now it's only occasional. Like a big hole inside that nothing fills. Got to keep on doing. Working, running, swimming gymming, thinking, sleeping. Drinking.

Dunno who she is :-)

Work has been good. Massive learning curve I'm still climbing up, hopefully can let go and slide down the other side soon. Got a meeting sorted that's bugged me for ages, and got on a course I really really want to do. Good.

Running? Um ok. Got my planned sessions done last week, plus swim and bootcamp.

Tail runned at parkrun for my 50th on Saturday. Didn't enjoy it really. The last woman really really didn't want me behind her but really didn't want to run either. I think if she hadn't been quite a nice older lady she might well have told me to fuck off :-D Still I did it and was quite cheerful about it.

Yesterday was a 10k that I entered knowing there would be virtually no one from my club there. Nothing personal I just like doing stuff on my own at times (let's be honest it's most of the time). Was advertised as flat but it wasn't! However it wasn't a bad course, but a little lonely because there were not that many in it. Lots of good runners though! I was 10th lady with 44.33. My second best time for the distance and I'm ok with it as it was May when I did 2 seconds less for my PB. I don't do many 10ks so good to know I haven't lost it. Still more to get out of myself I know that.

Today was BRRs club race and race 6 in the ELVIS series. 5k on the parkrun course.

We had just enough runners out for a team of men and ladies. I was there to be First Ladies scorer, no need to pretend is there. Felt ok after yesterday, calfs a bit stiff so wore calf guards.

Set off waaaaay too fast couldn't help it. First mile in 6.25. I'm not maintaining that at present and during mile 2 I knew it. I didn't feel bad I just sort of drifted off. Had to keep reminding myself I was racing! Still I finished in 21.32. An ok time I guess and not sure where in ladies field, 6th maybe 7th?

Hung around a bit chatting to people which was pleasant then came home to do home stuff. Been a bit out of sorts really. I know why. I don't need to tell anyone because in the morning when I get my head into all the work I have to do it won't matter anymore.

Simple really.

Next week, transport permitting its OW and a tri.

Catching up.

Been a couple of weeks I think.

Trying to remember what I've been up to......hmmmmm, oh yes.

Last weekend I went parkrun touring again. Off to Walthamstow. A 3 lap course 99% grass with a run up a field each time. Memorable because neither Andy who I went with or myself knew the course. (Ok ok I'd done it once before on longest parkrun day, but I refer you back to the 10 in 10 where each marathon on the same course was a complete revelation to me. Srsly.)

We joked to each other that it would be ok cos there would be people in front of us.

So of course for the first 2 corners we were in the lead. Ha! Was funny. But the world soon tilted back onto its axis and we were overtaken. I did 21.51 for second lady and was pleased with that as I found it hard going. My throat was really sore after because of all the pollen.

Went for brekkie after and then Andy dropped me at Newham Leisure centre for the EERR 24 hour track relay. BRR had lane 7 for the 24 hours and I was first off for a 2 hour slot. I will be honest when I started I wondered what had possessed me to say I'd do 2 hours. I was a bit bored after 4 laps! Still I got into a rythym, 5.30 kms. I wasn't aiming at anything really just a steady run. Was nice when after an hour some more of my team turned up, and Derv ran a good few laps with me :)

Finished and supported for a while before heading home, a decent days running really.

Sunday up early for Havering 90 aquathlon 400m swim, 5k run. I entered this as a bit of fun really. There ain't nobody quaking in their boots about my swimming I can assure you! Arrived to find a really friendly nice set up. Nu bed on arm and leg so no paper number...simples!

Got a few comments on my kit cos it was full pirate and a good ol mention from the commentator on my way out the swim which was a nice steady one :-D and then had a lovely run. I overtook 4 people which was all I could see so pretty much ran it on my own, but still pushed on fairly well on what was a challenging course containing steps and a stile. Hung around a bit at the end and was delighted to win 2nd vet lady prize.if only I could swim better eh.

Then we had to get into London to catch the bus to Oxford to stay at my friends place for a week, house sitting. I think we got there about 6.30. Had to go to a nearby beefeater for food as I had last eaten at breakfast which was a loooong time before!

Monday we walked into town centre and mooched for a bit before going to the cinema to see despicable me 2. Loved it! Checked out the leisure centre on way back for times and stuff.

Tuesday I went for an early swim and booked into circuits at lunchtime which I really enjoyed. We went food shopping in afternoon because we didn't want to eat out all the time.

Weds, early swim then off to Oxford again. Walked round the castle had an afternoon pint :-O then did Pilates in the evening. Went out for a Nepalese meal that night. Was a really nice place :)

Thursday early swim then off into Oxford to go to botanical gardens. Was really nice and I loved the medical plants bit. Sure we did other stuff but I can't remember. In the evening I was booked in for bootcamp. Shame that ONLY I turned up. Not even the instructor came! Went and beasted myself on exercise bike instead. Had left Mr H to do dinner. He was most upset at serving us raw lamb.... We are blaming the gas. We don't have that here :-D bit of blood won't kill you will it? *licks fangs*

Friday I decided no early swim but went to body conditioning class followed straight away by an abs class at lunchtime. Then met Mr H in the pool for a short swim :) then we went to buy my friend some pressies and food for her return. Couple of pints in the pub then home for food.

This morning was parkrun Oxford style. Mr H assured me he had set the alarm. And he had 20 FUCKING MINUTES BEFORE WE HAD TO LEAVE THE HoUSE!

He's been married to me for 22 years, how can he not know that I have to be up at least an hour and a half before I leave the house?? It *may* have been a grumpy ride to the park, but we made it. With only 50 minutes to spare, ha!!!!!!!!

Saw some seriously fit ladies whilst I was warming up so knew I wasn't on for a First Lady over the line. Just a decent time then.

Course was, run a loop round a field, then 2 big loops a lot of which was on grass with a hill. After first large loop decided I would be happy with sub 22 so wasn't unhappy with 21.50, 5th lady. Think First Lady was 18.30. A decent run on that course I think. I don't know why but I was expecting it to be all paved.

Anyway, bus back to house and then we cleaned and tidied before setting off back home. Which is where I am now with no races tomorrow, as after a *down* training week I am back on it from Monday :)

What weighs more, down on your plate....

A ton of love, or a ton of hate?

God I felt a ton of hate this week. Unless you've been on Mars this week you will know why. No one has the right to be a parent, at least that's what I think and I can't even begin to explain my reasons for feeling this way, even to myself, but, well just but.

Anyway. This week, did a couple of bootcamps with different instructors and enjoyed them both, one was tabata intervals which I really like, 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off again and again and again etc....yeah good fun. The other the guy seemed to really like burpees, which is ok but why do I feel like a hippo when I do them? Maybe cos that is what I look like hmmm? Anyway, it all keeps me out of trouble.

I think I went swimming too, well I found a cossie going mouldy in my bag today, so SOMEONE did. Track on Tuesday which I am growing to love.......probably because I can't make the next 2 weeks :-D

But seriously, it is soooo good for me because when you are part of a group you can't slack off.

I meant to do another run Friday but it was Biomarker committee meeting day, which basically of all the meeting I go to is the most important. It's good too as here is where my role evolves, even though I come out of it with a stonking  to do list but hey, that's what they pay me for.

So my day rapidly got eaten up, and my plans to leave on time and get home and changed for sports massage at 7 also failed. Luckily I had shorts in my bag so was able to go straight there. An hour turned into an hour 15 cos it was all so tight :-/ same price though! Bonus! Then I met the Mr for curry which was actually very pleasant.

Saturday I decided to travel to my second nearest parkrun for a change. I had heard there was a 21 minute pacer. Cool, that'll do me.

Got bus there, very civilised and met up with lots of friends. VP was my original home parkrun until Barking started. Anyway saw the 21m pacer.......blimey, she was about 11 but with an Essex crop top and compression socks she looked proper professional. Ok I thought, I'm sticking with her!

One of the things about doing parkrun and the fact that our running clubs publicise all our running very well is that you get known, which will be why a few people came up to me and said things like ' oh right, fancy trying to get First Lady at a different venue then?' I don't know who any of them were. Fame I guess :-D

Lined up, Jenny did her spiel and then..... We were off......oh. No we weren't a car was just about to mow us all down :-D

Start again. This time we go, and the 21m pacer set off like a rocket. Seriously, 17 minute pace or something. I felt like I was on a Zimmer frame compared. Oh well, there's a few other people I can keep my eye on, just run manda, it's what you do.

And I did. I am third lady and feeling ok. I'm passing chaps. Good! I can see the pacer but in the distance. Until the second lap when I feel I am gaining. Yep, I definitely am. I know I'm not speeding up she is slowing. Ok that means you can catch her. And with about 800m to go I do. I don't think I'm going to go sub 21 but I also think I'm doing ok so I keep pushing to the finish funnel.

21.12. My second best 5k ever. Very pleased with that on what is a harder course than Barking. I would like to stay around and have a chat but I have to rush of for a hair appointment. Glamour central here you know.

Suitably shorn and blonded I pretty much faffed the rest of the day and watched a whole tv series, Mayday, which was actually very good. My attention span is pretty short so it did well.

Today was one of those rare Sundays when I didn't have an event. Well I was supposed to be doing Ride 100 but decided that cycling 4 miles a couple of times was perhaps not the best training and deferred. Everyone seems to have enjoyed it so I will have to have a think about taking my place next year. I did go to the gym but didn't enjoy it, really busy.....I suppose it would be on a Sunday. I struggled to find space to do my conditioning exercises, and even glaring at the man showing off his yoga moves using up loads of room didn't work. Should've pushed him over when he was balancing on one hand. I wanted to. Pool was worse. I did 4 lengths :-D

Decided to do some kitchen cleaning when I got back. Started by flinging a bottle of beer in the air which landed on my foot, causing the cap to come half off and spray, at pressure beer around the kitchen. Thought I would clean the fridge door shelves. Gently removed one, so gently I snapped it off. Gave up.

I did wipe up the beer and wash the floor. Mr will find out at some point that that shelf is only in place by willpower. That will be fun! Then I can blame him! Happy days :)

I will be on holiday when I do my next blog. If I have wifi. Currently all I know is that the cat is called Tikka and we have to water the tomatoes.