Everything has been going well lately. Got a new job, been running like a dream, making plans and stuff.
Good yeah.
Sometimes my head just stops working properly. I saw something on tv this week, something quite innocuous really. But it set something buzzing in my head, making me think too much, making me remember a time I don't want to. A time when I felt like the cause of everything that was wrong and that I really wasn't wanted. I knew I wasn't, I was told it often enough.
As an adult I can see that it wasn't my fault. But that doesn't change the way I felt, or the way that those feelings can quite unexpectedly come back to haunt me, making me feel small, frightened and completely lacking in confidence.
So yep I do have a headache, I don't have any appetite but really I can't race because I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to stand on a crowded startline. If someone brushes past me I could easily shatter like glass.
So I will stay at home, do some things to make me calm again, run hopefully,with some music so I can be in my own world and make sure I put myself back together properly for tomorrow.
Not my usual Sunday blog. It won't get tweeted, I'm not ashamed that I feel this way, I'm a bit annoyed that I can still be affected by stuff, but thankful that as someone in my 40s I have much better ways of dealing with things than I did in my 20s. Which is just as well cos I'd be dead by now if I didn't :-D
Inappropriate smiley? It is still me :)
Now next week I must do billericay 10k otherwise I won't get the club championship for v35. And I reckon parkrun missed me this week.
Sunday 28 October 2012
Sunday 21 October 2012
What I been up to
Ok we will get the races over first.
Parkrun - 22.59. Knew it wasn't happening from the start. Heavy legs, cramps. You don't need to be Sherlock Holmes :-D but still a decent workout.
Wix 5 today - 36.21. Quite a large PB but also a very good field as it was Essex champs. Happy with my performance given it would never be my best one. Dag ladies got a point in the Essex series so job done yeah?
DC from Ilford didn't take me over til 2.5 miles, I am getting CLOSER :)
I also entered some races.
Tiptree 10 for next week. I expect a good field there as well cos its masters champs, but my aim will be an official 10 mile PB, and to get in a decent length run before Russ gets pissed off.
Then, outlaw half triathlon. Well it was filling up and I fancy a blast which that course will give. Also LJB and Saffers have entered and I reckon we can have some fun :)))))
(I have just told Mr H that the program he is trying to make me watch is something I have already seen. He doesn't believe me. I have had to explain the plot and how it ends to him)
Which reminds me, this week we celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary ..... That's a bloody long time. We had a great dinner out at the local Turkish restaurant. We love asking for wine there cos they haven't got a bloody clue. We asked for (it was on the wine list) a red mouton cadet. Well I thought the waiters head was going to explode. He went away, lots of furious whispering later he came back and said 'sorry, we ain't got no motion cadett'
Ok then, Cabernet Sauvignon? He looked doubtful but we got it :-D
Anyway, nice night:)
I am also thinking about entering Benfleet 15 and a duathlon in Feb.
What else..... Hmmmm, well, no parkrun next week as I'm going to Epping forest to do a fungal foray...waheeey! No, it's not that exciting. One of my old lecturers from uni is a mate and he is taking students and I say every year I will go and tag along and have a beer after so this year I will.
Not too many though I have an appointment with a 10 miler the next day.
See you after that.
Parkrun - 22.59. Knew it wasn't happening from the start. Heavy legs, cramps. You don't need to be Sherlock Holmes :-D but still a decent workout.
Wix 5 today - 36.21. Quite a large PB but also a very good field as it was Essex champs. Happy with my performance given it would never be my best one. Dag ladies got a point in the Essex series so job done yeah?
DC from Ilford didn't take me over til 2.5 miles, I am getting CLOSER :)
I also entered some races.
Tiptree 10 for next week. I expect a good field there as well cos its masters champs, but my aim will be an official 10 mile PB, and to get in a decent length run before Russ gets pissed off.
Then, outlaw half triathlon. Well it was filling up and I fancy a blast which that course will give. Also LJB and Saffers have entered and I reckon we can have some fun :)))))
(I have just told Mr H that the program he is trying to make me watch is something I have already seen. He doesn't believe me. I have had to explain the plot and how it ends to him)
Which reminds me, this week we celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary ..... That's a bloody long time. We had a great dinner out at the local Turkish restaurant. We love asking for wine there cos they haven't got a bloody clue. We asked for (it was on the wine list) a red mouton cadet. Well I thought the waiters head was going to explode. He went away, lots of furious whispering later he came back and said 'sorry, we ain't got no motion cadett'
Ok then, Cabernet Sauvignon? He looked doubtful but we got it :-D
Anyway, nice night:)
I am also thinking about entering Benfleet 15 and a duathlon in Feb.
What else..... Hmmmm, well, no parkrun next week as I'm going to Epping forest to do a fungal foray...waheeey! No, it's not that exciting. One of my old lecturers from uni is a mate and he is taking students and I say every year I will go and tag along and have a beer after so this year I will.
Not too many though I have an appointment with a 10 miler the next day.
See you after that.
Sunday 14 October 2012
Shorter and harder.....
Is not something I ever thought I would enjoy more than long and slow :-D
I do realise there is a place for both.
Yes, I am talking running.
If you had said to me this time last year I would be enjoying racing 5 and 10ks now I would have laughed in your face. My plans revolved around completing a 100miler. However, you can go off running. And boy did I.
But I'm forever saying 'if you don't like it, change it' and eventually I did. (Giving advice to yourself is always hard cos there's a bloody idiot who won't listen). So now I'm training myself to run long and hard, which tbh still scares the crap out of me, but I'm doing it slowly, with proper help and finally a belief in what I'm doing that other people see before me. Yeah ok, I'm coming round.
So parkrun yesterday. I know this course now, very well. I know where I could go quicker, I know that I will lose time on the hairpin if I approach it wrong, I break the course into small chunks and try to stretch out on parts and also hang on to whoever is in front of me ..... That is a massive change in attitude for me. It's racing rather than running.
So long story short I PBd again. 21.38, 3rd overall, 1st lady. Cool. Can't be unhappy with that, though the man in front wasn't that far ahead ;)
Felt fine after, I generally do after 5k and didn't think I had harmed my chances in today's 10k. I was a bit nervous though. Partly because I haven't run one since 2010 and because I have not run over 3 miles for a few weeks. I looked at last years results and decided a PB would be my main aim, but an AG prize would be my gold star standard.
So, met up with club mates put my special shoes on :) and lined up. Near the front, my new tactic. I was looking for women around me but it seemed to be mainly men there.
And we are off. Basically I always run the first mile like a nutter. I can't help it. I need to get to my own space, there were lots in front of me and as soon as we started about 5 men shot past me but no women. Good.
First mile 6.36. I feel ok though and some was downhill. 2nd mile 6.56, ok I will take that....still fine. Decided to next look at 5k.
21.50 elapsed. Brilliant!
Except what you can now see is the people in front snaking up a winding hill. It's not steep but it's bloody long. So I look down. And dig in.
I'm doing Ks now not miles so I don't look at my watch. 6k I have a chat with a guy who asks me if I've done it before.
No.
Ok I won't tell you what's coming.
What's coming is a bastard of a hill and boy does it hurt but I keep pushing.
At the top is a water station and I can hear the volunteers discussing when they are going to see the First Lady!
'It'll be a Benfleet girl' says the bloke 'isn't that a Dagenham lady there' says the woman :-D
Bloody hell I am First Lady.
I am still at 8k, and 9k. I run the last k like my life depends on it because I have no idea where 2nd lady is.
No one passes :))) I cross the line by my watch 45.39. A PB by more than a minute on a much tougher course.
And a cash prize of £100. Mr H immediately starts looking for more races for me to do :-D
Was brilliant to see my friend Vicky from Barking RR get 3rd lady and her second PB in 2 weeks, and the barking ladies team (all parkrun friends) get 3rd team prize (Vicky, Vicky and Nikki) yes you have to have a rhyming name to be in their team.
Brilliant support from Steve and his dad as always, and obv Mr H too who did look a bit stunned when I ran down the finishers chute. Lovely compliments from my club mates too :)
A good weekend.
I do realise there is a place for both.
Yes, I am talking running.
If you had said to me this time last year I would be enjoying racing 5 and 10ks now I would have laughed in your face. My plans revolved around completing a 100miler. However, you can go off running. And boy did I.
But I'm forever saying 'if you don't like it, change it' and eventually I did. (Giving advice to yourself is always hard cos there's a bloody idiot who won't listen). So now I'm training myself to run long and hard, which tbh still scares the crap out of me, but I'm doing it slowly, with proper help and finally a belief in what I'm doing that other people see before me. Yeah ok, I'm coming round.
So parkrun yesterday. I know this course now, very well. I know where I could go quicker, I know that I will lose time on the hairpin if I approach it wrong, I break the course into small chunks and try to stretch out on parts and also hang on to whoever is in front of me ..... That is a massive change in attitude for me. It's racing rather than running.
So long story short I PBd again. 21.38, 3rd overall, 1st lady. Cool. Can't be unhappy with that, though the man in front wasn't that far ahead ;)
Felt fine after, I generally do after 5k and didn't think I had harmed my chances in today's 10k. I was a bit nervous though. Partly because I haven't run one since 2010 and because I have not run over 3 miles for a few weeks. I looked at last years results and decided a PB would be my main aim, but an AG prize would be my gold star standard.
So, met up with club mates put my special shoes on :) and lined up. Near the front, my new tactic. I was looking for women around me but it seemed to be mainly men there.
And we are off. Basically I always run the first mile like a nutter. I can't help it. I need to get to my own space, there were lots in front of me and as soon as we started about 5 men shot past me but no women. Good.
First mile 6.36. I feel ok though and some was downhill. 2nd mile 6.56, ok I will take that....still fine. Decided to next look at 5k.
21.50 elapsed. Brilliant!
Except what you can now see is the people in front snaking up a winding hill. It's not steep but it's bloody long. So I look down. And dig in.
I'm doing Ks now not miles so I don't look at my watch. 6k I have a chat with a guy who asks me if I've done it before.
No.
Ok I won't tell you what's coming.
What's coming is a bastard of a hill and boy does it hurt but I keep pushing.
At the top is a water station and I can hear the volunteers discussing when they are going to see the First Lady!
'It'll be a Benfleet girl' says the bloke 'isn't that a Dagenham lady there' says the woman :-D
Bloody hell I am First Lady.
I am still at 8k, and 9k. I run the last k like my life depends on it because I have no idea where 2nd lady is.
No one passes :))) I cross the line by my watch 45.39. A PB by more than a minute on a much tougher course.
And a cash prize of £100. Mr H immediately starts looking for more races for me to do :-D
Was brilliant to see my friend Vicky from Barking RR get 3rd lady and her second PB in 2 weeks, and the barking ladies team (all parkrun friends) get 3rd team prize (Vicky, Vicky and Nikki) yes you have to have a rhyming name to be in their team.
Brilliant support from Steve and his dad as always, and obv Mr H too who did look a bit stunned when I ran down the finishers chute. Lovely compliments from my club mates too :)
A good weekend.
Sunday 7 October 2012
I don't know what it is.....
That makes me feel alive, I don't know how to wake the things that sleep inside....
Technically that's a load of tosh. I like it though....
Running is one thing though.
Not that I'm doing much lately. A cold this week laid me a bit low. Yeah I know pathetic but the desire to exercise in anyway shape of form wasn't there. Anyone who knows me will know that I am pretty rubbish at doing things if I'm not feeling it. And tbh I might pretend sometimes but I don't feel guilty about not doing things I don't want to.
I rarely do things I don't want to. I've designed my life that way. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could do that.
Possibly that makes me the most selfish person ever. Maybe. I'm not passing them genes on though :-D
Anyway I went off subject a bit there. Running, not much but I did do parkrun again.
I'm addicted. I want more people to go to barking. Please.
I was quite disappointed to see hardly any women. Decided I'd have to race the men. Started right at the front, guy shot off like a bullet me and t shirt guy behind him. 500m t shirt guy overtook from guy and so did I. Then I caught up and overtook t shirt guy at about 700m.
He then stayed just behind me until the next lap. There's a point on the course a mile in where it is very close to the finish and the Marshall excitedly ran over to tell them a woman was leading. *beams*.
Anyway I knew what he was doing, he was a first timer so he let me lead him round the first lap and then took off when he knew exactly where he was going. That was ok. I could hear Kieron another guy behind me at the lap point and sure enough 300m later he overtook me. I kept with him as much as I could for the final Km and then pushed as hard as I could in the final straight.
Result - 9 seconds behind Kieron in 21.59. 3rd overall.
I broke 22 :)))) and Mr H got his first volunteer position thank you as photographer, and some nice photos he took too!
Email from coach says easy runs only this week, and I'm fine with that :) then Brentwood 10k next Sunday. Can I maintain for 6 miles?
We will see.
Technically that's a load of tosh. I like it though....
Running is one thing though.
Not that I'm doing much lately. A cold this week laid me a bit low. Yeah I know pathetic but the desire to exercise in anyway shape of form wasn't there. Anyone who knows me will know that I am pretty rubbish at doing things if I'm not feeling it. And tbh I might pretend sometimes but I don't feel guilty about not doing things I don't want to.
I rarely do things I don't want to. I've designed my life that way. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could do that.
Possibly that makes me the most selfish person ever. Maybe. I'm not passing them genes on though :-D
Anyway I went off subject a bit there. Running, not much but I did do parkrun again.
I'm addicted. I want more people to go to barking. Please.
I was quite disappointed to see hardly any women. Decided I'd have to race the men. Started right at the front, guy shot off like a bullet me and t shirt guy behind him. 500m t shirt guy overtook from guy and so did I. Then I caught up and overtook t shirt guy at about 700m.
He then stayed just behind me until the next lap. There's a point on the course a mile in where it is very close to the finish and the Marshall excitedly ran over to tell them a woman was leading. *beams*.
Anyway I knew what he was doing, he was a first timer so he let me lead him round the first lap and then took off when he knew exactly where he was going. That was ok. I could hear Kieron another guy behind me at the lap point and sure enough 300m later he overtook me. I kept with him as much as I could for the final Km and then pushed as hard as I could in the final straight.
Result - 9 seconds behind Kieron in 21.59. 3rd overall.
I broke 22 :)))) and Mr H got his first volunteer position thank you as photographer, and some nice photos he took too!
Email from coach says easy runs only this week, and I'm fine with that :) then Brentwood 10k next Sunday. Can I maintain for 6 miles?
We will see.
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