When you want something you can't have.....

Well this hasn't been the week I wanted.

Started with a massive fail getting to yoga even though I got up practically the day before to go.

Monday night I went to see Russ and confessed that my knee wasn't right. It was a good thing to do. We looked at its stability (shocking) and worked on some exercises that I need to do to improve it. I didn't have much running on the plan anyway.

Tuesday night I went to the gym, did some treadmill and some swimming. Treadmill is def only for emergencys.

Wednesday the was the funeral of my supervisor. It was a good service, but standing room only meant I was on my feet for a lot longer than usual, and I realised during the day that my knee was incredibly stiff. Not helped in the slightest by being frozen too. We got home mid afternoon and basically did nothing. It was nice to spend some downtime with Mr H really, and yeah when you go to a funeral it does make you grateful for your nearest and dearest. It is easy to take them for granted and quite natural too I guess. You couldn't live if you thought about death all the time could you, what would be the point in anything?

Anyway, Thursday was swim at gym, cos its what I wanted to do. Knee was killing, and it basically got worse all day to the point that I couldn't go downstairs without a theme tune of 'fuck, fuck, fuck' which was nice for my colleagues. There are lots of stairs at work 2.

Friday I had booked bootcamp, but at 12.15 I decided it was a no go, even though my knee had done something self healing in the night. I was too scared tbh.

Saturday I did parkrun. As I was warming up I felt my knee twinge and decided I would run but stop if it got worse. Well it didn't it was fine even in slushy snow and 22.10 isn't too shabby.

Go figure.

Today was Hyde Park 20. Billed as a marathon training run. Now normally when I have a race I'm excited. I love putting a number on and going for it. That's what I do now. But this morning I just didn't feel right about it. I tweeted as much. I can't fault the organisation and the travelling was fine. Seeing some of the Barking crew was ace and I set off fine. I ran the first mile in 7.33 but it wasn't nice, I didn't feel good. Everything was stiff and I was already dragging my right knee round which I now know I do because the quad is too tight.

Now if this was a 5k I would a) have been running quicker from the start, b) know that I only had 2 miles to go and dig in. With 19 miles to go I was already in a bad place. Next 3 miles ticked off a bit slower in around 8.15s which were still acceptable but I wasn't that happy with. Then my laces came undone. I'm losing it now. Then around 5 2 barking club mates caught up and Vicky rightly asked me what was wrong. I answered as best I could trying not to burst into tears :-D she gave me a big hug and said they would run with me but I think it was too late. All I could think about was how rubbish I was running and that I was going to hurt something else and I was cold. It got to a point where I was slowing Vick down and I didn't want that. Yeah I could have finished but I was now doing 9 minute miles, that's not what I wanted or what I'm capable of so at the lap point 8 miles I walked off the course.

DNF - not something that happens to me often, but I don't actually feel that bad about it. Maybe cos it was billed as a training run? Maybe because I have just had enough cold weather running now. Maybe I want to get my knee right before I test it that much.

So plan for the next week is gym exercises and swimming. Biking is allowed too but yeah right in this weather? I think not. I

I did learn something. I know now that if I have a target in my mind (sub 2.45) and I'm not going to do it I will struggle. Therefore I either have to have a target and go for it, or have no target at all and enjoy it. That's cool, it's just a matter of getting my head in the right place. I can do that.

Please don't....

Pretend,

That we'll,

Stay friends,

You know as well as I do that that, well that just never happens.

That's me and my right knee. We are not going out anymore I've chucked her. No I don't want to talk about it.

This week? Busy I guess. I'm getting to the bottom of my job and how much responsibility I should be taking on. I am facilitating lots. If that doesn't make me sound too much of a tit.

I ran some, and discovered a new way to mile end by accident. I would rather not have as worrying about navigation takes away from the quality of the run, but run commuting is convenient when you need to fit stuff in. Though that is somewhat tempered by the fact that I now cannot find anything because it is at work or in a bag hiding from when it was a work. At present there are 4 coats, 2 pairs trainers, a hoody and two towels lurking under one of my desks (yep) and those are only the THINGS I KNOW ABOUT? It could be much worse than that :-D

I did parkrun in 22.06. I'm happy that it doesn't take too much effort to get low 22s and looking forward to a time when I can put a bit of focus in that direction. The woman that took the course record a few weeks ago was there, not running, supporting her partner. We chatted and she is just really nice. Don't you just hate that? :-D

*thought that has just occurred to me* me knee likes running fast . I'm always worried when I start it will give out but what it does it stop hurting. Now how that fuck does that work eh?

*shrugs* anyway, I did a new circuits class, it was fun, but is it only me whose trainers slide all over the shop when I'm planking (for example) ending up with me in a heap? What trainers will stick to the school hall floor? Or maybe I will just ask them to carpet it. Though mountain sliders on a carpeted floor really burn your feet. So I'm told. Obv I wouldn't be stupid enough to do that ;-)

Did a bootcamp too, oh I like them a lot *punching smiley* specially when we have to go off and do 6 laps and I win!!!!! How sad am I ?

Oh and I swam, mainly so I could cancel my membership of beacontree leisure centre as I'm not using it. I've joined virgin active today as in theory I can combine all the things I like to do in one place AND its on the way to work. And the opportunity to use other clubs.

Yesterday I took a big step for me and did a hot bikram yoga class. A big step because I was so scared of looking a complete tool. Never done yoga before apart from some stretching stuff Russ showed me.

I have never exercised in a sauna before either! How flipping hot is it! When I walked into the studio I almost walked straight back out. But I've paid so decided I had to tough it out.

Here are some things I learned:-

People of all shapes and sizes do yoga.

In hot bikram yoga any body issues you may have dissapear as you throw as many clothes off as you can.

You are so busy concentrating on getting the poses correct you really aren't looking at what anyone else is doing.

You need a bigger towel.

It really is ok to sit out a pose but you should at least try it.

If you don't drink enough during you will be peeing tea for the rest of the day.

Touching my own feet is like fingernails down a blackboard to me.

So is that thing where you clasp your hands together and point your index fingers up together.....fingerprints touching...aaarrgghhhhhhh!

When the teacher says, 'look backwards and you will see your foot' she's not talking to me.

When it is a kneeling back on your heels pose I should not do it :-/

I am glad I went :)

Right I think that's me rounded up, I need to go do dinner.

This picture I like. I look like I'm running.

If I have to explain it to you.....

Then you will never understand.

I have always been someone who does a lot of running on their own. That's fine. Lately I've been following a plan. It's hard. It's really hard and I don't even listen to music anymore while I'm doing it cos I need to focus.

So if I get the opportunity to run with people who I really enjoy running with and who get me, then I'm going to do it. Even if it means making some effort to do so. It really is that simple. One day I won't be able to run, one day I will probably have pissed people off so much I no longer have friends :-D so while I have the time and the money I'm going to spend it doing things that make me happy.

With that in mind I travelled to Birmingham this weekend. Last night I had a really nice meal at the noodle place I can't spell with Sharon and Lesley and Lesley's daughter. I had a great time, I hope they did. Then a nice cup of tea at Sharon's house and a natter to her and her husband which was very pleasant. A very much appreciated lift back to the hotel saw me back at the hotel I am unlikely to use again. I am no longer 20, hooligans running up and down the corridor after midnight and piles of vomit on my way down to breakfast at 6 am are not what I want. It isn't even that cheap. Still it did.

Got picked up at 6.40 to go to the lickey hills again, running today with Mark, Matt and Sue, and of course Gus, Oscar, Molly and Max. As usual it was fucking freezing and trying to snow, but with the added extra delight today of the ground being saturated so cold wet muddy feet from the off.

But I loved it, after around 2 hours Matt and Sue went but me and Mark carried on. Mark needed to get a good run in with lots of time on feet and I was more than happy to accompany him. It's brilliant running in places you don't know, especially when you have a tour guide :) and a tour guide who can magic up coffee too!

So that was today. Yesterday was parkrun. 22.18, ok not amazing but apparently I helped Andy from Barking get a PB. Got to be happy with that. Especially with DOMS from bootcamp the day before.

Last Sunday was a PB too. 20 miles 2hrs 42.02. Essex 20, a 3 lapper that really wasn't that easy but gave me loads of confidence as I think it was avg 8.06. Encouraging stuff though the stitch at mile 16 wasn't nice and the hands that started to feel like someone else's were a bit weird.

Other than that work is now getting really hectic. I knew it would and that's good. I could actually do with going in on a Saturday or a Sunday but training is getting more too so I will perhaps have to just work in running to or from work so I can work later or earlier. Yeah, I don't know either. I will get there though.

While I was away and for reasons I don't know my husband has tried to solder his finger to something. I'm going to stay here next weekend and make sure he's a good boy :-D

Why d'you need a reason for to feel happy,

And shining for the rest of the world?

You don't. You can be like me :-D

It's been a funny week. Some of it really good, some a bit crap really.

Started Monday intending to run 12 before work. Didn't. Took my kit in, determined to run home.

Did!!! I bloody did. And I only got lost a little bit, dead chuffed.

I intended to run Tuesday. Didn't. I did go to a swimming pool. I wouldn't call what I did swimming though.

Wednesday I knew I wouldn't run, I was meeting my friends and had a half day off. Heard all about the funeral of a mutual friend and drank beer. Too much beer really.

As penance I ran to gants hill in the morning. It wasn't very nice, but I did it. That was all the running I intended to do until Sunday (tomorrow) when I have essex 20.

Last night I went to the BRR quiz. I intended not to drink. It was crowded and noisy. Got drunk :-D

Was late home so intended to cruise round parkrun this morning. I PBd 2 weeks ago and had no desire to prove anything.

Got a lift there. No desire to add miles. Noticed a woman doing a PROPER warm up. She looks like she will beat me, I thought.

I wasn't wrong! However, I didn't want to get disgraced. Mile one was called. 6.40. Oh!

Halfway 10.31. Blimey.

End result, 21.24 another PB. I couldn't really ask more than that. Fast lady did 21.01. Chatting to her after she has a PB of 20.02. I aspire to this :) so that was good.

The crap part of the week was hearing that my PhD supervisor died last Sunday. Very sudden and thought to be pneumonia :(

In 1999, the day before my 30th birthday he offered me a post as a research technician in the department of neurochemistry. I had no experience but was almost finished my evening degree. In June 2000 the department had a party in his office to celebrate my degree results. I think it was October when we sat down and discussed the department funding me to do a PhD...... A brilliant opportunity for me. He was then very patient while I faffed around on starting it because my grandmother was very ill. He sent me the kindest letter I have ever received when she died in December. I still have it. And obv I did start, and finish the PhD with his (and others of course) endless patience and support. I remember being so chuffed with his praise when I gave my first talk at an international conference in 2002, and the brilliant dinner him and his wife took me and mr h out for after. I have kept in contact since, but the last communication we had was in September when he gave me a reference for the job I now have and wished me luck.

RIP John, all the tributes I have seen mention a true gentleman and scholar, and I can't say it any better.