You better watch out you don't slip,
Down them places in between.
Kind of sums up what I feel about things after this week. Maybe things were better before the internet, before people could comment about things about which they have no idea. That includes me no doubt.
So for various reasons (I'm thinking churning up a muddy lake) this week has left me feeling a bit flat. Not helped I guess by being very tired at the start of the week and my legs feeling crap. I have had a week off from work this week and of course you always imagine training like an elite when that happens. Yeah right, everything I have done has hurt, and left me wondering why I'm doing it. And anyway I had a big race on Saturday night, The Midnight man half iron distance.
This race starts at 6 in the evening, and has a quarter, half and full iron option. I never got my head round full this year but I thought yeah, I will give the half a go.
Let's be honest I never got my head round half either. You know what my bike training has been like. The thing I was most prepared for was the swim. That is saying something.
Still, normally I just plough through regardless.
The race started well for me, I felt confident and comfortable on the swim, I think my new wetsuit was a good investment and I am enjoying ow swimming. Not sure of time but I don't think it was too bad.
Out into transition for a change into socks and a cycle top over mt pirate Monaco. Then out. The bike course was 10 laps. Much of this down and back a dual carriage way, then various twists and turns on a industrial estate to make up the 9k. First lap was ok, working it out, bit rubbish at the turns but ok. Was aware of headwind on dual carriageway, didn't like that but that's the way it was. 2nd lap I'm aware of my knee starting to complain, it didn't do this til around 60 miles last week, come to the headwind bit I'm fighting the pedals round already. That does really hurt.
I tell myself it will get better. At one of the turnarounds the Marshall tells me to smile......this is not normally necessary. Spend lap 3 mulling things over. Spend lap 4 knowing that I won't be able to run off the bike. This would kill me. That's the bit I'm good at. Decide quite calmly really to give up.
And so that was that. Packed up quickly and came home, it was getting dark and cold and I wasn't in the best mood.
Now back to where I started this. It will make sense to me. I think of depression as being a big empty space. A hole inside you. You can fill it in different ways. Traditional ways include drugs and alcohol, however I find these have a risk of making you do things that makes the hole even bigger. There is food too,but I can't say that has ever done it for me. Or you can exercise. That's a good one. Gives you the good tired rather than the anxious brain flitting everywhere tired. But to make you feel really real, I find entering events (and completing them) is by far the best. Everytime you finish one you are saying 'I'm here, look, here I am, I'm solid, I won't fly into a million pieces if you touch me' you can look on the results and see yourself and prove it.
I'm not that bothered by medals and goody bags.
So when I see people saying 'oh I must be mad I've entered...(insert whatever event you like here from 5k to cartwheeling the Alps) I think to myself, really? I'd be mad if I didn't.
So that's it really. I CANT stop entering events. This means taking the risk of what happened last night happening I guess. And then wrapping myself up tight again. Because it's what I do.
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